idiocencratic (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} idiocencratic) wrote,@ 2007-04-03 19:14:00 |
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Just do not know if I can do it....
Many of you know that I have been busting my ass to loose weight. I sometimes get to the point that I just sit down and cry because it is just not happening fast enough. I will be honest most of the times I only come to the table with 50 - 70 % of what I really need to bring to the table.
I am not at the point that I would even consider surgery. I can get around with out problems. Hell I have started running. Granted it is not very far but I am running for the first time in years. So to me surgery is not an option.
So I am starting to re-evaluate my priorities when it comes to my weight loss.
I have been eating 1800 - 1900 calories a day. Well it is obviously not enough. I am supposed to be eating between 3200 - 3400 calories a day. A great big difference. And I just do not know if I can do it. I mean I could do it if I was eating crap all the time, it would be easy. But to eat healthy and to eat that much is constantly eating almost every hour. I fucking hate feeling like I am constantly eating.
Part of it is it is just a chore. It becomes a pain in my ass to eat all the time. Having to set aside time to eat when I would rather be doing other things. The other part is that I do not feel at times that I have the right to eat because I am so over weight. I feel that if I just stopped eating that I would loose weight in leaps and bounds. Well anyone who has tried to loose weight knows that this is bullshit and not the way to go about doing it.
So I am sitting here now trying to decide if I can make a commitment to bring 100% of me to the table.
To learn to suck it up and deal with everything.
To learn to put aside my feeling that I should not eat and realize that I need to eat (and apparently a lot) to loose weight.
To learn that people accept me for what is on the inside and not what is on the outside.
To learn that people do love me.
To learn to ask for help when I need it.
To learn that it is okay to cry when I need to cry.
To learn that I do not have to be the strong one.
To learn that I can TRUST people and they will not fuck me over.
To learn to TRUST ME.
I want to say yes that I can do it. That I can do all that I need to do to get my ass in gear and do what needs to be done. But on the other hand I am so fucking scared. I would have to leave my perfect (to me) bubble and venture into many other different bubbles, or better yet not have a bubble at all.
And to top this all off I just found out that my father is giving the commencement speech at my school this year for graduation. I am so not ready for my parents to be in my space. I am not there yet. I moved to where I moved because it was far enough away from them for me to lead my own life. And it was great for the first 9 years that I lived here. Then I decided to go back to school and for some reason my mom feels that since I am going there she needs to give back to the school that she graduated from. Yes I know most of this is my fault for going to the school my mother graduated from. I just want my life to be mine not theirs. GAH!!!
Many of you know that I have been busting my ass to loose weight. I sometimes get to the point that I just sit down and cry because it is just not happening fast enough. I will be honest most of the times I only come to the table with 50 - 70 % of what I really need to bring to the table.
I am not at the point that I would even consider surgery. I can get around with out problems. Hell I have started running. Granted it is not very far but I am running for the first time in years. So to me surgery is not an option.
So I am starting to re-evaluate my priorities when it comes to my weight loss.
I have been eating 1800 - 1900 calories a day. Well it is obviously not enough. I am supposed to be eating between 3200 - 3400 calories a day. A great big difference. And I just do not know if I can do it. I mean I could do it if I was eating crap all the time, it would be easy. But to eat healthy and to eat that much is constantly eating almost every hour. I fucking hate feeling like I am constantly eating.
Part of it is it is just a chore. It becomes a pain in my ass to eat all the time. Having to set aside time to eat when I would rather be doing other things. The other part is that I do not feel at times that I have the right to eat because I am so over weight. I feel that if I just stopped eating that I would loose weight in leaps and bounds. Well anyone who has tried to loose weight knows that this is bullshit and not the way to go about doing it.
So I am sitting here now trying to decide if I can make a commitment to bring 100% of me to the table.
To learn to suck it up and deal with everything.
To learn to put aside my feeling that I should not eat and realize that I need to eat (and apparently a lot) to loose weight.
To learn that people accept me for what is on the inside and not what is on the outside.
To learn that people do love me.
To learn to ask for help when I need it.
To learn that it is okay to cry when I need to cry.
To learn that I do not have to be the strong one.
To learn that I can TRUST people and they will not fuck me over.
To learn to TRUST ME.
I want to say yes that I can do it. That I can do all that I need to do to get my ass in gear and do what needs to be done. But on the other hand I am so fucking scared. I would have to leave my perfect (to me) bubble and venture into many other different bubbles, or better yet not have a bubble at all.
And to top this all off I just found out that my father is giving the commencement speech at my school this year for graduation. I am so not ready for my parents to be in my space. I am not there yet. I moved to where I moved because it was far enough away from them for me to lead my own life. And it was great for the first 9 years that I lived here. Then I decided to go back to school and for some reason my mom feels that since I am going there she needs to give back to the school that she graduated from. Yes I know most of this is my fault for going to the school my mother graduated from. I just want my life to be mine not theirs. GAH!!!
